thoughts on puppy love.

| Sunday, November 8, 2009
Welp, so far I've been sticking to my proposed schedule for NaNo, getting in about 2,000 words a day, sometimes more. I have to admit, I'm pretty pleased with myself... my NaNo project is now the longest single work I've written without abandoning, and I'm still going! I think this whole structure-and-goals thing really works for me. MENTAL NOTE.

Not only am I sticking to my schedule, but I'm nowhere near out of plot yet, and that makes me feel awesome. I have yet to reach the midpoint of my plot arch, and still have a number of road markers to guide my way. Feelin' good. Maybe a little too good *shifty eyes*.

Oddly enough, the past two nights have brought me dreams involving the guy I had a MASSIVE crush on in high school, whom I haven't thought about in a long time. Both dreams involved meeting him again, finding out that we have a lot in common and can possibly be friends now, me beginning to get those stirrings of butterflies, him admitting he feels it as well, and then... not much. Some hugging, some hand-holding, some cuddling, some video game tournaments.

Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I'm at the point in my NaNo project where I've introduced a love interest for my protagonist, and they're getting closer now. These dreams are putting me in mind of my middle-grade and high school crushes, and how different they are from my old-and-jaded-by-the-world mid-20's loves.

I was a serious crusher. I crushed long, and I crushed hard. We are talking crushes spanning three years of my high school experience, here. Never resolved... I never got the guy. Wibble. Oh, but I loved him. I know many people look back on their puppy-love years and scoff about how it wasn't real love, we didn't know what we were talking about, and now that we're older and wiser, we know what love is FOR REALZIES. I disagree. It was a different kind of love, absolutely. It was full of potential and magic, and equally full of knife-to-the-heart twists and weeks of wondering what he meant by that thing he said the other day in class. That love was naive and overdramatic and insane and wonderful and awful.

This is all important. It's important for me to remember that the love I felt as a teenager was new and crazy, and certainly not logical. It was built on possibility, not reality. I think maybe this is what my dreams are getting at. My crushes were never about getting a boyfriend and marrying him and having a bunch of his babies and happily ever after etc. Certainly it was my ultimate goal to have that spark of a moment when he looked at me and realized OMG GIRL OF MY DREAMS, RIGHT HERE THIS WHOLE TIME, but it was really about the emotions and the drama of it all. That heady, addictive feeling of having the tiniest, most insignificant little action rolling around in my brain for days, dissecting it with my girlfriends, and wondering what if what if what if???

I honestly have no idea what I would have done if the guy had asked me out. Died, probably. And that all-consuming drama-queen love was very young and silly, and definitely not something I want back. That feeling, though. That feeling of every day bringing something new, of my very own teen comedy playing out in every action and line delivered. I need to remember that.

So, thanks, Dream High School Crush. Thanks for reminding me how I'd freak out for hours and feel like I was walking on air for the rest of the day every time you hugged me, or we passed a note in class. Sorry I was such a headcase! I'd still play video games with you.

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