mew music - the stray cats
we seem to have a problem here, and i'll tell you what it is.
the usual author of this blog - namely my provider and caretaker, maybe genius - has suffered a fall while stepping out of the shower. i always tried to tell her that water and soap are a terrible mix, but does she listen?
she's been unconscious for a number of hours now, though i've tried every trick in my arsenal to rouse her. i even licked her eyelids. she hates that. she's still breathing, so i don't think it's too serious. at least, i think she's still breathing... anyway. i'm getting rather bored of alternately picking through my kibble and waiting for her to wake up, so i thought i might interest you in a short lesson on proper insect-capturing technique. i'm quite good.
first things first: you must detect the insect. this is a finely-tuned skill, so don't go thinking you can just wander into a room and be able to rustle out all the ants and flies. there is an art to it. sit at attention, holding ears front and center. you may then rotate ears accordingly, or rotate entire head if you are so inclined. i prefer the entire head method, as this allows me not only to listen for telltale buzzing, but also gives ample time to check the walls and ceiling for questionable specks.
once the insect is detected, the following method must be employed: chitter nonsensically at it. this is a must. it will disorient and confuse the insect, allowing you to best plan your attack.
for fliers, a tried and true method is running beneath the creature as it makes its way through the home in order to wear it out. you'll know you have it run down when you yourself begin to feel exceptionally exhausted. don't be afraid to take a brief rest, but continue to swivel your head and chitter while stationary to further disorient the bug.
for wall-crawlers, the sport is in tricking the thing into believing your depth perception is faulty, and so lowering its guard. the best method of achieving this entails repeatedly leaping at stationary and non-moving wall objects, such as light switches or scuff marks. trust me on this. it will only be a matter of time until your earwig develops a false sense of security and ventures low enough to snatch.
as far as floor-crawlers go, don't be bothered. there's no sport in it, unless one is a dullard or a kitten. if you are exceptionally bored, you can bat them to and fro or scoot them about with your nose, but leave them be otherwise.
follow these guidelines, and you too can enjoy the invigorating activity that is insect-capturing!
my caretaker is still not awake. i am beginning to worry. please, if you are reading this, send help. i cannot open the can that holds my dinner. i have no thumbs.