Fairy Tale Blogfest

| Monday, August 30, 2010
Today's Tune: End Love

1.) Watch my music video for today - it's an OK GO video, and it's amazing. They did it all in one take and it's so silly and fun.

2.) It's Fairy Tale Blogfest day! w00t! The goal was to write a fairy tale in a style other than fantasy. I hope you enjoy mine, and then go check out all the other participants (click the link for the participant list). My contribution is below. I had a lot of fun writing it :D

***

Just when I think I'm in for another day of enchantments and lost orphans, Prince Charming walks through my door.

I roll my eyes. I hate dealing with the Charmings. Bunch of snobs that don’t know a golden apple from a poisoned one. They’re always getting into some kind of trouble, and Prince is the worst. He’s this sniveling little whiner with flippy hair he paid way too much money for. Spoiled twit. I guess his parents expected as much when they named him “Prince.”

But they have money, so they get my service like any other dwarf or talking badger.

I lean back in my chair and clunk my hiking boot-clad feet on my desk. He’s looking around all twitchy, but that doesn’t stop him from checking out my legs all the way up to my shorts. What a creep.

“Something I can help you with, Mr. Charming?” I say.

“Yeah. Yeah, Red, there is. My eighteenth birthday was last week. I wanted to have a big party for all the single ladies in the land, you know? I noticed you weren’t there, by the way.”

“Uh, well. I had a case. You know. Busy.”

He sniffs. “Not like I woulda picked you, anyway.”

“Picked me? For what, pray tell?”

He shifts uncomfortably, poking at the crimson trench coat and hat I have hanging by the door. “Mum wants me to start thinking about getting married. Gotta keep up the family name and all that. But why not have fun while I’m at it, right? So, big party, all the eligible babes, and me seeing which ones are most interested in being Mrs. Charming. You know what I’m saying?”

“I’m hoping you have a point in there somewhere. I have a furlong of paperwork to do on this Snow Maiden case. She fell in love and melted again. You’d think she’d learn.”

“Fine. I’m at the party, having a great time dancing with Beauty. She’s turned into such an animal ever since she dated that Beast guy, let me tell you. Anyway, the music skipped, and I checked to see what was up. And there she was. This absolute knockout in a dress that could’ve been made of spider silk. See-through in all the right places. Amazing. We were getting real friendly, but then the clock struck midnight and she bolted. Something about a curfew.”

He’s all hot under the collar, running his hands through his stupid hair and making it stick up. I privately congratulate this girl on giving Prince an obvious case of Crystal Balls.

I stand and walk around the front of my desk so I can gloat. “So you need me to find your mystery girl, is that it?”

“That’s what I plan on paying you for. Here. She lost this.” He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out this six-inch stiletto heel made of glass.

I take the thing from him and look it over. “Godmother almighty, she could walk in these?”

“Boy, could she ever,” he says with a wistful look in his eye. Or maybe it’s lustful.

He daydreams while I pull on my trench and hat. I snap my fingers and hold my hand out for the first half of my payment. Prince scowls and slaps me a satchel of jewels.

“Now get going,” I say. “I’ll find your cobweb princess. And stop checking out my boobs or I’ll gut you like I did the wolf.”

His eyes snap up and he scoffs like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He tosses his overdone hair and leaves my office. I follow and pull the door closed behind me.

It takes me a while to find the right house. A dozen fairy floozies and at least one troll claim the shoe’s theirs. They look about ready to cry when I have them try it on and it doesn’t fit. At last, someone points me in the right direction.

I knock on the door and am greeted by none other than Madam Ella, the most notorious professional bride in all the land. Her list of ex-husbands and step-children could probably reach to the top of Jack’s beanstalk and back.

“Hello, Miss Hood. What brings you?” she says.

“A golden goose chase, that’s what. This shoe belong to one of yours?” I hold it up. She nods me inside.

Her daughters are right there, waiting. They’re twins, and they’ve got so much magic surgery between them that I can’t tell if they ever had real bodies. To my surprise, she shoos them out of the way and pulls forward this tiny wisp of a girl with dark hair and big blue eyes.

“This is Cinder,” says the Madam. “I thought she’d end up just one more useless mouth to feed like all the others. Turns out she’s the progeny I’ve been looking for.” She gives her daughters a withering look, and they both stomp their feet in unison and storm off. Cinder gives me a sly smile.

I get it. “Ready to retire, Ella?”

“Yes. It’s about that time. But I’ve no doubt my girl here will keep me in the life of luxury to which I'm so accustomed.”

“Right.” I turn to Cinder and hand her the shoe. “Prince is looking for you. Why don’t you come with me so I can get the rest of my fee, huh?”

“Heck yeah,” she says, skipping out the door ahead of me. “Charming Estate, here I come.”

I glance at the Madam. “You know I’m only going along with this because Prince is a toad minus the warts, right?”

She smiles. “I know, my dear Red. I know.”

I take my leave. Cinder’s practically vibrating with excitement beside my coach.

“All right, girly,” I say. “Let’s get you your happy ending. Just promise me you won’t give him his.”

32 comments:

{ Elena Solodow } at: August 30, 2010 at 6:14 AM said...

Absolutely amazing! I love how you've combined all the classics together.

This line is my favorite:

"I have a furlong of paperwork to do on this Snow Maiden case. She fell in love and melted again. You’d think she’d learn.”

If I weren't sitting in a cubicle right now, I'd be rolling on the floor.

Awesomeness.

{ Jinksy } at: August 30, 2010 at 6:38 AM said...

Fun read for a Monday afternoon, ta!

{ aspiring_x } at: August 30, 2010 at 7:16 AM said...

maybe, you blow my mind. i laughed so loud my hubby gave me the "she's-lost-her-mind" look... again.
I loved this! So, so, so fun!!

{ Falen (Sarah) } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:00 AM said...

ha! LOVED the "crystal balls" line!

{ Clara } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:06 AM said...

That was SO Awesome in SO many ways!!! I LOVED IT!!!!!!! Honestly, you should make a series of stories like, Red's cases! This is gold! Loved your narrative, flow, character's personality, every single thing!

{ Kate Haggard } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:09 AM said...

This might be the BEST thing I've read all morning. No, all week. Ok, all month. The voice, the blend of tales, Red herself - everything mixes together in a way that's nothing short of delightful.

And then the puns! Crystal balls. Golden goose chase. I could go on and on listing all the delicious puny lines.

Superb!

{ Brad Jaeger } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:19 AM said...

Very well done; I'd be surprised if you don't end up as a contender for the final round!

(I like puns and word play. Your story has a great deal of both)

{ j.leigh.bailey } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:30 AM said...

That was awesome. Talk about using voice to convey genre. Definitely a twist on the originals and so much fun!

{ Steph Sinkhorn } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:46 AM said...

Yay, I'm so pleased everyone's enjoying it so far :D I thought about doing something sci-fi, but thought I'd try something a little different instead. Glad you liked it!

{ Brenda Drake } at: August 30, 2010 at 8:50 AM said...

This was such a fun read. It's on the lines of Ella Enchanted and I love it. Taking one fairy tale story and populating it with characters and things from other fairy tales is brilliant. You should really think about making it into a book. I love Red Riding Hood detective extraordinaire--she totally rocks! :D

{ Mary Campbell } at: August 30, 2010 at 9:00 AM said...

Funny - I enjoyed your take on an old favorite.

{ Charity Bradford } at: August 30, 2010 at 9:12 AM said...

LOL, loved seeing all the fairy tales that made an appearance. Red is my kind of girl and I thoroughly enjoyed this.

{ AchingHope } at: August 30, 2010 at 9:40 AM said...

Ahahaha.... This was Amazing! I loved the MC's voice. Brilliant.

{ DL Hammons } at: August 30, 2010 at 10:51 AM said...

Very good! I really enjoyed this.

{ Okie } at: August 30, 2010 at 10:53 AM said...

Nice work. Tons of fun.

It reminds me vaguely of the "Fables" graphic novels with their mash-up of various fairy tales with a sort of crime-noir drama.

Great job. :)

{ Nicole Murray } at: August 30, 2010 at 10:55 AM said...

This was so seamless. I loved the dialogue and fairytale references throughout the story. Great job!

{ JC Martin @ Fighter Writer } at: August 30, 2010 at 10:56 AM said...

I LOVED this! You managed to weave in so many fairytale references into this! Love Red's voice and attitude, and I adore her red trenchcoat! Where can I get one? ;)

{ Francine } at: August 30, 2010 at 11:58 AM said...

Hi,

Great take on Red, and good interplay with other fairytale characters.

best
F

{ Rebecca T. } at: August 30, 2010 at 11:59 AM said...

that was amazing! I loved the snow maiden line as well. hahaha! Great job!

{ Emily White } at: August 30, 2010 at 1:21 PM said...

Update: I'm posting finalists tomorrow. Not Wednesday. See you there! :D

{ The Wily Quadruped } at: August 30, 2010 at 1:35 PM said...

Fabulous noir fairy tale! Loved it, especially the nod to "fairy floozies."

{ Mesmerix } at: August 30, 2010 at 1:53 PM said...

HAHA! This was great, truly. I'm following you now. Such a fun entry, so glad you participated and I got to discover your blog and writing!

Scribbler to Scribe

{ Old Kitty } at: August 30, 2010 at 2:53 PM said...

I really enjoyed this - funny and sassy and contemporary! A wonderful modern twist to the cinders story.

thanks for sharing
Take care
x

{ Steph Sinkhorn } at: August 30, 2010 at 5:07 PM said...

Okie - Oh, yeah, I've read one or two of those! The ones where the Big Bad Wolf works with Snow White, right? :D

JC Martin - Haha, if you find out, let me know. I want one, too :D

Thanks so much for reading and commenting, everyone! I really appreciate the responses.

{ Jen } at: August 30, 2010 at 5:14 PM said...

OK GO is the best music video!!!

This was such an awesome entry! I'm seeing all these fabulous entries! I can't wait to see the final selections for winners tomorrow!!!

{ M. Bail } at: August 30, 2010 at 6:07 PM said...

Red Riding Hood seems to be the most popular fairy tale to twist today, and this is one of my fave takes on it. Well done!

{ Ishta Mercurio } at: August 30, 2010 at 10:52 PM said...

"Crystal Balls" - LOL! This was great. Well done! And thanks for the laughs!

{ Donna Hole } at: August 31, 2010 at 12:03 AM said...

LOL.

Pure entertainment. Fairyland isn't so anymore.

......dhole

{ Damyanti } at: August 31, 2010 at 7:42 AM said...

Red is so popular everyone wants to write about her....and I love how you took so many other stories and wove them into this one...cool!

{ Meredith } at: August 31, 2010 at 12:09 PM said...

Haha, this totally made my day! Prince Charming is such a disaster :) I love the world you created.

{ Dangerous With a Pen } at: August 31, 2010 at 6:35 PM said...

I absolutely love this. :) Such voice! I love how you are able to sustain the puns and the attitude. An absolutely joyful read!

Claire at: September 1, 2010 at 12:39 PM said...

Loved it! I've enjoyed your other work as well, but I thought this piece was really refreshing and fun.

I would definitely read a crime/fairy tale series if someone wrote it (hint!)

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