Forever YoursToday's Tune:
Shut up in the back. I can hear you snickering.
Yeah. I was one of those girls who "found herself" in her early-to-mid-twenties. To be completely honest, I think there's still a part of me that's out there looking. After all, I don't think we're ever set in stone. We're malleable until the day we die. However, I feel a lot more confident and happy with the person I am today than I did when I was younger.
There are certain parts of me that have always been the same. My optimism. My desire to mediate tense situations. My eagerness to please. My laziness. My perfectionism. And always, always, always my desire for acceptance.
In college, it went something like: straight-edge, slacker, good girl, gamer girl, student committee participant, musician, artist, biologist, punk rocker girl-with-pink-hair, English nerd, party girl, activist, whatever-time-to-graduate.
I just wanted to find my place, but I didn't know how.
And finally I reached a point where I was just done. I was finished trying so hard to be something I wasn't. I honestly wish I could say that I just started ACTING LIKE MYSELF and then everyone loved me and I got all those great things I was looking for! But that's not true. Being myself didn't make me popular, or adored, or anything except me. But I was finally okay with that.
I'm not going to lie. There's still a piece of me that yearns to be recognized, to be loved, to be one of THOSE people. The ones everybody looks at and hangs on and wants to be. The one that joins the ranks of "cool kids." The YA online circle can feel like that sometimes, whether it's intentional or not. However, I'm at a point now where I recognize that the perception is largely just that -- a perception. Yes, some writers are bestsellers or have a million followers or are lauded with awards and movie deals and whatever else. They're also just people. People who are usually being themselves.
This is me. I'm cool with that. Are you?
Are you cool with yourself, I mean. I assume if you're hanging out on my blog that you're okay with me. I COULD BE WRONG THOUGH. Maybe you're a closet hater who likes to lurk and seethe.
I don't think I'll ever stop being that girl trying to find her place in the world, but at least now I feel like I've got an internal compass to guide me back home.